Depression Confessions

It's been four weeks today since I had my surgery. I am weary just thinking about all that has happened in my life during this time. I feel like I have, physically, emotionally, and spiritually come so far. Honestly, the week after surgery I really had to fight to feel hopeful that I'd one day feel "normal" again. To fight extreme panic attacks, anxiety, and exhaustion were very trying on my patience...but I'm grateful to say that today I feel good. I feel closer to the Lord than I have in an extremely long time. I am healthy (considering...). I have energy. I no longer shake. I feel hopeful about my future. I love my kids and Brandon. I'm starting to learn to look outside myself more.


I've learned many lessons during this time--this time implying the years I've struggled with depression (which I'm told was probably directly connected to my thyroid problem, having babies, and general life stresses). I never thought I'd be grateful for having depression, but recently I've begun to see that it has been a blessing.


I guess I've realized just how judgmental I was. While I do feel that I am typically a compassionate person, I think in the back of my mind I use to be so ignorant of what depression is and what can cause it that I did judge those who had it. I viewed them, at times, as different and I had to fight to not say things like, "Just don't think those negative things and you'll feel better" or "You just need to read your scriptures and pray more to feel better." It doesn't work like that. It's not that easy. Sure those things help and they are important, but depression is an illness. It's biological, and while the Lord can and does work miracles, he's also given us tools that should be used (like medicine and therapists), in my opinion, to overcome this challenge.


I had some severely dark days in the past few months and years. No I wasn't suicidal--ever--but there are things I regret. For me my depression caused me to think so negatively about myself that I, in turn, thought everyone else must hate me too. I feel so immature and embarrassed thinking about things I said or did to others during those dark times, but I just have to remind myself that I wasn't thinking clearly. I don't use that as an excuse because we always have a choice, BUT in a way...I guess I do use it as an explanation. Because depression is real. It overtakes your mind. Chemically things are off in your brain, and there are many times where you, simply, cannot think clearly.


Now I am on medicine for depression (and my thyroid meds help me feel good emotionally too) and I am in counseling. I use to be ashamed of these facts because I feared that those who have never had depression would think I'm crazy...but I've realized that this is a trial I've been given, and many others have it too. It should be talked about more! There's nothing to be ashamed of (of course this is easy to say as I'm currently on the happy side of depression). I truly believe that my doctor and therapist have not only saved my life, but they've saved, and improved, the quality of my life.


When I get depressed the first thing to leave in my life is prayer. I no longer feel worthy enough to pray. Then I get tired and don't read the scriptures. Then I get down because I know I'm not doing what I'm suppose to so I feel I must truly be bad. Then I withdraw from friends. Then I withdraw from extended family. Then I withdraw from Brandon. Then I withdraw from my kids. And then I feel desperately alone, weak, and just plain bad. Life becomes dark and bitter. I won't go into specifics on here, but if someone asks me individually I am willing to discuss some of those bad days and what would go on.


Thankfully, my therapist helped me start to see things more clearly. She started having me set small goals:  play with Payton for 15 minutes every day, for three days a week read just one verse of scripture and try to think about it all day, say one personal prayer a day asking to feel God's Love. She always tells me to not worry if I fall short of my goal, I can always try again. Though those seem like small, easy goals, for someone with depression those are like mountains to climb, and I wasn't sure if I could do it.


Eventually I did complete my goals (and my meds started kicking in), and I started to feel the Spirit again. I started to realize that it's okay to feel happy and to feel loved.


Soon I started to think, "Hey, I'm feeling good maybe I'll finish my counseling soon." But of course I found out I had cancer, and I have been grateful that I still have such a wonderful tool to help me through this next trial in my life. Do I feel dependent on my counselor? Not at all, but I will forever be grateful that the Lord has provided me with the opportunity to receive help and to start growing again. Do I feel dependent on my meds? Umm, I don't know. Right now life is just beginning to feel good so I'm not about to take a chance on messing up my system again by stopping my meds. Eventually, maybe, but not now.


Even if I have to be on an antidepressant the rest of my life, that's okay. It's how the Lord made me and I'm willing to accept the trial and keep on living. Because, as I started out saying, I am grateful for all that I've learned because of depression. The power to empathize is an amazing thing. The power to recognize the beginning signs of depression in others and myself is also quite merciful. The power to know, from experience, what are good and bad things to say to someone who is depressed is also invaluable.


I have been blessed by having depression. I hope that I can look back on this post when/if things get bad again and remember that "all thing work together for good to them that love God."